The reinvention of self

Right now, I'm working in a studio space in the heart of a little village in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean...

These past few months have been a rollercoaster of emotions, and I'm still trying to make sense of everything. Right now, I'm working in a studio space in the heart of a little village in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean. It’s so vibrant here that you wouldn't even realise how remote we are. Sometimes, I look out of my little studio and see the hand-laid pavement of Portugal crafted by some local artisan and the church glistening in the 30-degree sunshine. There’s a stillness on this island that starkly contrasts with all the events happening around it.

I've never really shared my journey from London to Madeira. At first, I didn’t want to talk about it because I thought it might not look good for my business. Or so I was told. But paradoxically, I feel like I have more genuine fans and a real sense of community here (and more sales) than anywhere else. Of course, the opportunities are not the same; that’s a given. But here, everything is closer, smaller, and more intimate. Distances are shorter, with places and with people, and you get a true sense of what you’re creating. I have more time for self-reflection. I came to Madeira by chance, right after the lockdown. I was devastated by the immobility Covid brought to my business, horrified at the thought of being unable to perform anymore, and heartbroken by the loss of my father. I needed a place to recharge my batteries and figure out who I was without my job, because my job had always been my life. It still is, but it’s different now. I also have something else.

Madeira was boring and slow at first. After a month of walking by the ocean and hiking, I was ready to leave. But life happened, and events kept me here longer and longer, until I was travelling for performances and other duties, but the idea of returning here started to feel right in my mind. I fought against myself for months. I kept thinking, "I should be doing this and that, I should be sacrificing everything, I don’t deserve this. There are people suffering in the cold city to achieve their goals, and what am I doing instead? Sunbathing and painting in the forest? Who do I think I am?"

Today, my experience in Madeira feels fulfilling, but I'm still not content with myself. I want more. I want to achieve more things. I have bigger dreams. I feel an urge to make this island explode with my art, to expand like a brilliant light or melody spreading across the ocean and touching other countries, reaching everyone! I want my base on the island to pulse with energy, making everyone wonder what it's like here, making them call or visit to see it in real life. I'm not ashamed of my dreams. They've taken me far, and I've always been rewarded for my visions. Thanks to social media, everything can be easier but also very difficult. I'm aware that I'm over my 30s, coming from a generation where Instagram and TikTok weren't the norms, and you discussed your art in real conversations and through live performances. Madeira, often feeling like it's stuck in time (sometimes the '50s, sometimes the '80s, sometimes the future), makes me believe this is still possible. But now, I know that if I don't apply a clear strategy to what I'm doing, I'll probably lose followers and engagement – and no artist wants that!

I want to speak more to my buyers than to other artists, but it's not easy because everybody wants a piece of you. If you're not keen to give it, you're probably seen as posh or selfish or something else. There’s no way to make it right. The new generation of artists are creators. They create content to please followers – or to gain new ones. For me, creating art has always been an impulse, to sing, to paint. Now, it’s curated for others to see and put a heart on. Instead of using art to influence society, to heal, or to discuss certain topics, we use it to get popular. We use it as background while someone else works or as emotionless, relaxing scrolling content. A friend of mine once said, "What would Van Gogh do in the age of Instagram? Probably chop off an ear just to go viral." This made me think that it’s probably very true. No one is immune from the new way of living life now because it’s a matter of work today. If I don't have social media, I have to solely rely on my personal connections, and I can tell you, it's not easy at all.

So here I am, calculating my next steps. I continuously reinvent myself, and I'm happy I can do so. Once you do it for the first time, you realise life can be anything you want. You can be yourself in many forms and shapes. And if I can't change life at that exact moment, I still change my hair colour to give a sense of change and perturbation, because I don't like it on planes, but I do love them under my feet. I like to be uncomfortable, to have deadlines, to take risks, to predict the next steps while evaluating the danger and the joy. I hate immobility. If I'm too comfy, I always try to give myself a shock, an electric impulse, something that makes me move from the area I'm seated in now. I'm creating new performances, painting on new surfaces, and I'm grateful to people for appreciating me and giving me credit.

Recently, I've been creating art on six walls in a centre for the protection of children. They asked me to respect themes such as family, protection, and purity. I chose the corresponding colours and added elements to speak about those themes in an original and unique way while listening to music related to the theme. I had to wear headphones for the entire process, which took more than three weeks of my time, and I adored it. I heard people suffering while I was working there – kids crying, parents screaming – and I'm so proud of the joy the art will bring there. It's almost finished, and the person who commissioned the job made a great gesture that is very appreciated. I've been selling my paintings too. I've been creating new hues and listening to music chosen by the buyers. I saw the sparkling joy in their eyes while we set up the artwork on their wall. I've conducted many workshops with participants from Guadeloupe, Romania, Slovenia, Germany, Spain, and Norway. I love all the cultures and all the different music they chose to paint during the sessions. The playlist created sounds like the world, and my Spotify is now a potpourri of different cultures and languages, and I'm learning words from all the languages. And one week ago, I made a performance featured at the finissage of an artist for the prestigious gallery "La Salita." I was looking forward to meeting him, and he wrote to me on Instagram, "I'm so glad you are doing this for my finissage! See you later." But he never made it. He went for a swim before the exhibition, cracked his head on a rock while having fun, while being young and alive. He is still in a coma with his spine broken in multiple points and his brain damaged. We still don't know what happened for sure and what the consequences will be, but right before starting the performance, I asked the gallerist if it was appropriate to perform or not. She asked the artist’s mum. She answered that it MUST BE DONE for him (literally in big caps) and that they wanted me to continue. So I did, with him stamped in my mind while I sang and painted. I was very emotional, wondering if I was doing the right thing or not, wondering if I was sending the right energies. It was difficult and empowering at the same time, and I really hope he will wake up and see the painting and the beautiful words everybody dedicated to him on social media. This experience reminded me of the importance of resilience and the emotional journey we all navigate as artists. Who knows what he can see now?

And among all this, I also lost everything again a few months ago. I thought I was flying high with a new agency, but instead, nothing happened. I lost contacts and jobs. So, we're starting again from zero, but this time, I will go all the way to ten. Like I said when I started this newsletter anything could happen, and you can always reinvent yourself. Your possibilities are not limited; it's not true. It’s our mind that says that. I reinforced my connection with the people who have always believed in me, and I'm aiming for the moon. Soon, I'll be releasing a new painting collection, a vinyl record, and I'll be doing more performances around Europe. I hope to have you by my side because this is what I truly care about.

Thank you for being part of this journey. Your support means everything to me. This is all for you. To connect, to discover, to get emotional, and to stay curious.

If you don’t do it yet, please follow me on Instagram, Spotify, YouTube, Patreon, send me a Whatsapp, support me!

B.